Faith seeking understanding, my personal journey towards a deeper knowledge of and intimacy with God, the cosmos, humanity and myself through thoughts, words and (occasionally) images, is a series of [hopefully] daily reflections I’m writing with the purpose of publishing something on a regular basis for others to read, either here, at joncarllewis.com or among my writings at Medium.com.
I really didn’t want to interrupt my flow today. It’s been a productive few weeks for me—especially the past few days, and I want to keep up the momentum. But I must realize that—even when things are going well… even really well, it is sometimes wise to pause and save some excitement for a subsequent day.
This is a radical departure from the days when my bipolar disorder was less well controlled. In a manic space I used to go and go and go, fearful of the inevitable crash. Since I knew there were times when I was going to be unable to work, I used to drive myself to the very exhaustion that would precipitate a depressive episode.
I still feel the desire to keep plugging away at my projects, every moment I have available. Nevertheless, I feel healthier now. More balanced. Like I can stop before I’m absolutely tapped out. Like I can stop and take care of other priorities I have in life, like attending to correspondence or paying bills.
I feel balanced. And it surprises me that this is a better feeling than being manic. [I was usually only hypomanic—I didn’t have the mania that sounds like a lot more fun but also sounds quite dangerous.] I appreciate feeling called into a work rather than being driven by [literally] madness to produce. It’s nice to be able to stop when I feel I should stop and not depend on a crash to tell me when it’s time to finish work for the day.
I hardly have words for the feeling. I think they call it equanimity.
I will call it, simply, feeling blessed.
Thank you for your time and attention.
I’d love to know your thoughts on what you’ve read.
Please comment, below, or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
May God richly bless you on your journey.