Faith seeking understanding, my personal journey towards a deeper knowledge of and intimacy with God, the cosmos, humanity and myself through thoughts, words and (occasionally) images, is a series of [hopefully] daily reflections I’m writing with the purpose of publishing something on a regular basis for others to read, either here, at joncarllewis.com or among my writings at Medium.com.
Very often I wonder how I am doing.I wonder this on days like today where I spent a significant amount of time under a blanket on my day bed listening to podcasts about theology. It seems I was getting nothing done. But I think, in retrospect, these times are necessary for me. They are fallow times. They are times where I gather and replenish my strength so that when seeds are planted, I have something to feed them.
They are the times when it appears that there is little or nothing going on.
But then I need to ask the question: to whom does it matter if there is anything going on? Do I have some audience I need to entertain? Some external watcher in danger of being bored? Of disapproving of my level of external activity?
I realize this is pressure I am putting on myself. Needless pressure. Nobody is watching. And, if there were someone watching, I don’t think I should care what they see.
This is a strangely liberating thought. A strangely freeing recognition that I have lived a significant portion of my life as if I were being watched and critiqued, judged and condemned for how much I do or do not get done in a day.
I no longer need to live that way.
I can set myself free.
And just live.
Which sometimes will look like me running around getting stuff done.
And sometimes will look like me lying under a blanket absorbing warmth and information.
Both, in balance, are good and worthy things.
I am grateful to this space as a place where I can honestly be myself.
Sure, I’d like to entertain.
Sure, I’d like to instruct.
Sure, I’d like to produce.
But I must remember that my first job, my first step is to show up, however I am at the time, and share my truth as honestly as I know how.
That is enough.
That is enough.
I am enough.
Thank you for your time and attention.
I’d love to know your thoughts on what you’ve read.
Please comment, below, or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
May God richly bless you on your journey.